This one goes out to all of the women in the world.

I’m not the guy you’re looking for.

No, this isn’t a joke. Let me explain.

You see, speaking both statistically and otherwise, it is pretty much impossible for me to be the guy you’re looking for. For a number of reasons it just ain’t happening. I don’t mean this in a pessimistic way, or as a declaration of low self-esteem (whatever that is supposed to mean.) It’s not cynical to say that I’m not the one you’re looking for; it something backed up by plain, ordinary facts.

You see, I recently read this article, and it struck me that I had come upon a rare opportunity. A stellar synchronicity if you will; a strange syzygy. I have the opportunity to be complete honest in a personal. No more pretending like I’m romantic (I’m actually just somewhat naïve about certain things, and anyway real romance starts after a relationship and not before) or adventurous (it is more accurate to say I’m just kind of restless) or interesting (that all depends on what your interests are, or how much coffee I’ve had) or fun and exciting (how exciting and fun I’d be after 8 hours of work and 8 hours of childcare is a profound mystery) or intelligent (I can pat myself on the head quite well without having to utilize language) or strong or visionary… you get the idea.

But let’s back up. I want to explain for those who don’t see what I mean (after all, it is a brutally honest supposition.) Firstly, statistically speaking, if you have a single soul mate, that’s a one in six-billion chance of meeting them. Given those odds you would be as well off taking random road trips as reading personals finding them. If you really believe you have a soul mate – predestined and all – then don’t waste your time reading. They will find you and you them, no matter what. For those of you who are skeptical, tell me what other mystical beliefs you have, because soul mates is pretty damn mystical. Do you spend hours in deep contemplation of the greatness of the universe? The depth of the wisdom of God? The impossible complexity of a blade of grass? That’s pretty much what believing in a soul mate is like. I’m not saying it doesn’t exist, I’m just saying – in any realistic sense it is a remote – extremely remote – part of your decision process. You might as well factor in astrology while you’re at it, or blood type. Or, favorite color. Same difference.

Also, the chances of me being the ideal man for you are literally zero. Not approximately, but literally, actually nil. By which I mean, the man of your dreams is the man of your dreams precisely because he doesn’t exist. If he existed he would be a man of reality instead of an ideal. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have ideals, I’m just saying they don’t exist in reality. This means – narcissistically – that we want to love what’s in our head. And that’s pretty close to just wanting to date ourselves, since what is in our head is part of us. Not that I’m not guilty of this, obviously I’m reporting from experience here. So if this is the ideal, then we’re achieving it, passing the test with flying colors. Go us!

So this is the rub. I honestly can’t find a good excuse to write any personal at all telling you that I’m the guy for you. So instead I’ll tell you honestly what kind of guy I am (with the maximum available tact) and let you decide whether you’re willing to settle for that.

Wait, what did I just say? Yes, settle. Let’s be honest without ourselves; any one who has been rejected on a date has the experience to understand this. If you’ve never been rejected on a date, don’t read any further. Stop… reading. Thank you. For the rest of us, we’ve had to renegotiate our ideals precisely because they were apparently… wrong. Our priorities were out of whack. We were going to have to settle for less than what we exactly wanted. Our new priorities were decided for on low for us, dictated by the hard facts o’ life.

This, again, is not directed as an effort at getting your pity or arguing for utility; the only thing worse than a relationship based on pure utility is one based on pity.

And let’s face it, given the choice of basing our relationships on who we find ‘attractive’, we’re dismal failures. Remember Katie Holmes? The girl who dreamed to date Tom Cruise? Right. That was a great choice, you know? Suspiciously it would seem that those who are regarded as the ‘best choices’ are often the worst. Or at least, somewhere in the middle.

So I’ll propose a different system here. It seems to be the case that eventually all women settle for a man (instead of getting the one they really want.) The same goes for men, but it’s easier for us since we basically want any woman. That is, we – by default – settle. Isn’t that a mind trip? This is probably the biggest turn off for women, since it often leads men to doing things that are unfaithful and otherwise inexcusable. I won’t excuse these things even if they come out of man’s natural inclinations. It’s like saying since a car has inertia it is natural for it to crash. Good luck arguing that.

But anyway, since y’all females are a bit more social than us, (or at least that’s what we’re led to believe) you can decide it this way. I’ll tell you about myself without any bells and whistles, and you decide amongst yourselves whether I’m worth settling for or not. Also keep in mind that if you settle now, you probably will end up with a better pick than you’d get later. You shouldn’t base your choice on that, but make sure you keep in it mind.

And let me be frank, people change each other in these things. The longer you have to grow with the other person the more likely it will be that you will feel the other person knows you. If you wait until 50 to find the one you might find a better instant match, but the other person will meet you when you’re mostly fully formed. It’s a weird argument, but based on my understanding of marriage – which is the only real end of relationship-seeking – that is precisely what happens. Two people become one person. The more selfish they are about it, the more difficult it is.

Now that I’ve prefaced this thing sufficiently, I’ll say one last thing: I’m not the guy you’re looking for. So get that out of your head!

Here goes:

I’m annoyingly conservative. That means, I have irritating and mean-spirited politics. (Sorry. I spent a lot of time thinking them through.)

I’m not that good looking. I may be above average, but that’s only a guess.

I have problems with being lazy, and pretty much all of the ‘usual guy issues.’ To be fair I’m not proud and inflexible about it, I’m just inclined to it. Deal with it.

I’m only interesting if you like weird, esoteric stuff. If we talk about the weather I’ll probably mention something scientific.

I’m easily distracted. Mostly by small things, like the weather I just mentioned. This means I might miss something you said.

Related, I also have the tendency to just nod my way though stuff I’m not totally getting or understanding.

I like sunsets, but who doesn’t. Only real jerks hate sunsets.

I also like walking on the beach, but to do so I have to wear layers and layers of sunscreen, because I have an English heritage.

I don’t tan, but I also don’t have freckles.

I’m very forgetful, which will probably get worse with age. I can remember important things regarding work, science, aesthetics, literature, theology and so forth, but I easily lose my keys.

My religion is extremely uncomfortable. It involves fasting, long services, standing, confession, and daily prayer. And to be honest I would expect you to be involved. I wouldn’t make you come, but I would bug you about it unceasingly.

I’m not really that strong. I’m tall so I have some amount of leverage, but I’m a wiry person. So don’t expect me to look like an athlete. I can probably bench my own weight but I’m too lazy to get to the gym frequently.

I play music but most likely not the kind you like. If you want me to play a song you’ll have to give me a chance to learn it.

I write poetry, but it’s bad.

I read, but it’s all weird nonfiction. And if I do read fiction, it is science fiction, fantasy or something else that you’re not terribly interested in.

I don’t know anything about Dr. Who.

I’m a restless person. Sometimes this is called ‘adventurous’ but I won’t lie to you. I rearrange my room every 6 months because I get tired of the arrangement. But, I’ve never been anywhere interesting (like Europe.)

I’m highly arbitrary, which means I might not have or require a reason or feeling for doing things.

My family is messed up. Not like, insane or evil, but just not really the kind of folks you might like to meet. I won’t stop you from meeting them, but I want to warn you beforehand. My dad was never a CIA agent, but he is a psychologist.

I’m not funny in an attractive way, or nice in an attractive way. Most of my niceness is a result of apathy and my humor a result of a cruel streak. I want to get that out of the way so you’re prepared for the worst.

But overall, I’m probably not as cruel, apathetic, bitter, restless, lazy, forgetful or unattractive as most people, and certainly not as much as I’ll be when I’m 40.

Plus, my ultimate ‘settling’ factor is that these things are all negotiable. Not that I want to negotiate them, it’s just that I know we would kill each other or have to live in continual enmity if I don’t. And besides, I’m already aware of your wiles, and my lack of effective defense against them. I won’t roll over but I’m not going to kid myself, you’re going to win the arguments.

There you have it. So now you’re prepared for the worst if you decide to become interested in me. While I’d like you to decide soon, don’t bother hurrying; experience suggests that I’ll be available for awhile.

But then, maybe not.