Having gone over my previous attempt at being wholly honest in a personal, I came to recognize that while I had shown what is for such things an unusual amount of honesty, I had not achieved my goal.

But let's get this straight: I'm not here to bare my soul. Most attempts to bare souls (bear soles?) are just underhanded attempts at self promotion. You know - everyone needs to know (or that unknown special someone) how beautiful, or if you're an emo, tragic, your soul is. As a resident of RiverC's soul, I can tell you its pretty boring in here. A little weird, but ... well, hold that thought.

You see, I realized that the casual reader of my previous installment might think that I was purposely understating myself, maybe to appear 'super humble', or maybe I was attempting some of that reverse psychology! Or perhaps I was just fishing for curmudgeons? There are lots of explanations, and since I received a certain number of positive reactions, I must address the issue fully.

I said in my previous installment, with as little affectation as possible, "I'm not the one you're looking for!" And I meant it! But this is going to be a challenge - you see, I can't lie about myself, or it defeats the purpose. To that end, I really ought to stop here, but I've not been known to take good advice when it's inconvenient. Just kidding! Though the place we enter here is, how you say, "There be dragons"? Any attempt to act humble is simply affecting it, so - complete (haha) truth!

Okay. So, here's the deal. I'm a weird person.

Let me clarify. I'm not saying that I'm weird in that you'll meet me and find I'm less weird than I said I was, and you'll be relieved. Nah, this is for real. I mean, have you actually been looking at this website? (Or, for that matter, my 'inner' website?)

No, straight up. I'm an oddball.

Most people think they're weird, probably, but mostly what I've thought was my weirdness was just social ineptness. Not knowing how to tuck in your shirt right doesn't make you unusual, it just makes you ignorant.

And there I go again! Most people would find the need to emotionally excuse our ineptness, and suggest that perhaps, your follies are a result of your truly great uniqueness.

Nope.

But look, whenever I get past my inevitable ignorance (it is something like eating through and endless wall of marshmallow) I always find myself wearing a Seersucker shirt (which is totally out of date) because of its superior breathability or because it was what I reached for that day. The worst part? I know it's out of date, and if asked, I would admit it. There's really only so far you can eat through that wall of marshmallow before you need graham crackers, a Hershey bar and a good fire to make S'mores.

And that's part of the problem! There's only so far that I find I actually care about things that are supposedly popular. Take for instance American Idol? Well, how well you sing for judges and an audience really isn't what makes you a successful musician. Seems like a dumb contest to me. What makes a real musician is Chutzpah. One part talent, one part hard work, one part the right kind of drugs, one part connections, one part audience sympathy, and eleven parts balls-to-the-wall Chutzpah.

I also loathe the song, 'Imagine'.

So there are some problems. Even when I get past my ignorance of how to say what I mean in such a way that I'm not misunderstood, I run into the problem of the actual content of what I'm saying. Its like the argument where the person finally realizes that you think you actually are part of the one true faith. Man, conversation killer.

I've tried to work this out several times, like, in terms of benefits. Supposedly the new 'geeks' are the new 'cool' and the new 'in crowd'. Trend setters, unique people with unique talents and tastes! Tongue-in-cheek humor! Slick slogans and effortless performances of skill! Not only are these people 'eccentric', but they are 'popular'!

No, those two don't go together. Well, okay, they can. But to put them together you need a big a-hole.

Eccentric ideas are eccentric because they are unpopular. What you're looking at is people that really aren't weird, but people like Bill Gates who are clever and get what could be useful or interesting. It is only because they aren't truly eccentric that they can spend time doing the decidedly non-eccentric activities of self-promotion and, er, hygiene.

So where does this put me? Well, I'm not eccentric, just so you get that idea out of your head. I don't cover my wall with newspaper clippings or have a thousand chia pets. But that doesn't make me non-weird.

My weirdness is in itself kind of unique, I guess, but maybe not. How do you describe the change in acceleration of a bird in a photograph?

Take for instance this. I bought a large bowl (potting bowl for plants) and left it on the deck - hadn't decided to move my mint plants into it yet.

Well, it rained and it filled with water.

Now, most normal people would throw it out thinking, 'Mosquitoes!' (Which later became a consideration...) But me? I thought, 'Cool. Instant cistern!'

Cisterns were how people kept water back in the day before pipes were either invented or came into wide use. (Some really ancient people had figured out plumbing, though)

To make a long story short I covered it up, and now I've got water to water my plants for the dry months.

So, what about moving my mint plants? Eh, they'll do fine where they are.

Are you getting the picture? So heed the warning: my weirdness is stealthy, and its striking is somewhat like discovering a puddle on the sidewalk is actually six feet deep.

And this I think, is the most convincing point in my argument 'I'm not the guy you're looking for.' People want someone who is predictable and safe. Of all of the characteristics I have, this is not one. It's so bad, that not even I know exactly what I'm going to do. Even if you could read my mind, it wouldn't help.

And that's the problem. I could spend all of the rest of this piece trying to explain to you how - if this were a dishonest personal - how you can be unpredictable (even to yourself) and yet not be a dangerous person, but its mostly just self-aggrandizing. While there is no reason that being weird in that way makes you dangerous, there's also no good reason that it doesn't. It's a huge risk! And people don't like taking huge risks with their relationships.

And that's an honest truth - people date 'risky' people, that is, guys who are 'troublemakers' and girls who are 'questionable', but the reality is that people who date those people date them because they know what they will do. The 'cool' guy will eventually abuse you, but you know you'll have a lot of fun and maybe get some nice toys along the way. The 'needy' girl will eventually become a burden you don't want, but you'll have a good time getting there.

When people get to know me more, they realize this is true about me. I'm 'dependable', but never in a predictable way. I'm not the guy who is always late, I'm the guy who always shows up and might be late, but sometimes is unbelievably early. If you asked me to be on time, I could probably do it if I really wanted to, but I'm not sure that I do. So sometimes I give a non-answer because I don't have an answer, even to a question that ought to be simple.

This should make you very uncomfortable. And you're not wrong! This particular weirdness is why I'm probably unelectable, since some people are very sensitive to unpredictablility. Will this guy walk out of office? He might. But he won't do it because he's a drug addict. He might do it because everyone is corrupt, or maybe because he's finished with this country. Or maybe he wouldn't ever do that at all! Some people you could say they probably will default on you, even if you don't know how. With me, there's the very real possibility I will never default on you, but you don't know that for sure. Heck, not even I know that.

This is like me campaigning saying, don't vote for me! I write long, wandering rambles about God-knows-what, and say a bunch of things that probably don't make much sense! I can't remember if being aware of these things makes them better or worse.

There you have it. So for God's sake think twice before considering me for the position of first mate. I'm just plain screwy.

Postamble

Also, just to rebuff an idea that might have arisen in certain craniums, what I'm describing as weirdness is not pragmatism. It's also not laziness, since I spent a few hours the other day moving rock and sand and soil into buckets for easier use later. The lazy method would be to just let them be. I have certain goals which are sometimes not really practical, but I feel are worth the trouble.

I think it probably boils down to having strange principles. Not bad ones per say, just strange ones. And the people I read don't help this at all. What is it with raccoons anyway? Is that I realized most of my reasons for things were just plain hogwash and unnecessary? Eh.

If you made it this far, I suppose it won't hurt to explain myself further. I'm not in this deal to be unique and 'interesting'. I would actually prefer, on certain days, to be far more 'usual'. There's really no reason to be aware of one's own silliness, and in fact most people who successfully found marriage partners never went beyond a certain level of awareness. It wasn't necessary.

This is, in its way, ideal. The oldest story we tell is about how people's curiosity about the forbidden gets them in trouble. It's not that there is no benefit to knowing it, or that you won't eventually come to know it, it's just that, why do you have to make things complicated for yourself?

'Too clever by half' is a great way to put it. That's pretty consistent - in my mind - a description for me. (In fact, I asked myself if I should say 'Its more like too clever by three quarters, right?')

One of my major issues is that I step on people's toes a lot. I don't really mean to do it, (some times) but often times it requires a level of fakeness to not do it. I'm the sort of person who knocks the chip off someone's shoulder to get fighting experience. Not that I'm perfect at it.

This is the serious point, then. I don't like the fact that most personals are focused on selling yourself - on false premises. If we knew ourselves better we could sell ourselves better, but we should face the fact that we don't. That's why 'man seeking woman, age n, likes x' works so well. It might be unspecific, but it is as precise as you can get and remain accurate. You can't measure nanometers with a yardstick, right?

And this is why I'm doing this. What if we wrote 'full' personals (like how E-harmony gives you a psych profile or other sites let you write 'about me' sections) that were actually honest? Like, "I don't really know if I like bananas or not. It depends on my mood."

Could we stand each other?

My point here for you to consider is, if my unusual principles and unpredictable mind trouble you, then I'm absolutely not the person for you. If my host of other things - truly ordinary things such as being slightly chauvinistic, being a political conservative, being kind of lazy, having weird interests bother you, then steer away. Two things, one is that we probably don't match, but the more important thing is that you're looking for a pre-qualified applicant.

This whole thing isn't about pre-qualified applicants, since of course people are going to change along the way. If you're looking for the right kind of bared soul to connect to, you've already missed the point. The only point I can see to a personal ad is to get basic requirements out of the way. Are you female? Ok. Are you around my age? Ok. Etc. Forget the person 'inspiring' you with their 'personality profile' (which will probably change in the next year) or list of interests and 'secrets'. Don't mean a thing.

Having gone through a thousand profiles or so on Eharmony and whatnot helped solidify this for me. I think that a certain number of people will find a good match, but really only because Eharmony is connecting them and not really because of how it connects them. It is in some ways a placebo.

For others, it can be a poison - giving them too much information about themselves and others (Eharmony if I recall has higher success with older people) and therefore making it hard for them to make a decision, or maybe making them wonder if they want to make a decision at all.

Anyway, they also create something that any wise person wants to avoid - competition. While no matter how attractive a woman is she can really only be married to one man, she will - in a typical dating site - get thousands more requests than a woman who is less attractive or who doesn't have a picture at all. On one hand this would seem to be good - get the cream of the crop - it isn't. Like I said before, you're not really going to know who the actual best picks are. You're just going to have a lot more viable choices (whether they are who you really want or not.)

Also it becomes infeasible for such a woman to actually go through let alone respond to all of her requests. It's not really the guys' fault - you never succeed unless you try. Might as well send a message to anyone you think is interesting.

So in this world we need an anti-personal. Something that absolutely drives away all of the solicitors - whether we or they be men or women. We need it to be like a treasure chest locked with a puzzle that only the intrepid find their way there.

Oh, if only!